these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
