I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
