you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
