Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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