I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
