I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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