Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
