i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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