I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
