Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
