I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
