remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
im six kinds of drunk right now
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
