Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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