So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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