My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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