I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Duck Duck Cougar?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
