At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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