I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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