i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
