paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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