Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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