i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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