I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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