i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
