oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
