Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize