I wish I could punch you in the face.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
