Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm bleeding and have questions
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
