btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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