i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
