Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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