i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
