I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
