I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
