all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
this boner is exhausting
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
