This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
