remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
