i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
