I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
