I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
