I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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