i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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