kristin has been a bad kristin
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
