This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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