I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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