people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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