How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
