Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
