i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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