I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
