Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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